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Cassette 4: Sadness, Lungs/Transcript
This is the official transcript for the episode which can also be accessed for free at'' patreon.com/withinthewires'' In this cassette we will focus on your lungs. We have mentioned your lungs before, we have explored them, we have breathed. We have inhaled and we have exhaled. We will inhale and exhale again, later. There will be much inhaling, there will be much exhaling, there will be constant breathing. Until there is not. Someday there will not be inhaling or exhaling. Let us enjoy those things today. But there is more to explore. There are more things in your lungs and breaths, than are dreamt of in your physiology. Listen to this cassette alone. No one needs to know you are listening to this cassette, or any cassette. From here on out, no one needs to know about what you are doing with your ears. No one needs to know what you are learning. Welcome to cassette number four, Side A: The Air in Here # # # Lie down on a hard surface. The floor, probably, unless you have a bench or a hard table, which you do not, as no one has such furniture in here. There is no need for you to have more than a bed and a chair, so for the purposes of this exercise you must lie on the floor. Lie down on the cold hard floor. Close your eyes. Breathe. In. Out. Concentrate on your lungs. Breathe in. As the air reaches your lungs, feel them radiate the oxygen out to the rest of your organs. Do you let your breath reach every part of you? You do not. There is a part of your body that you never let yourself breathe into. There is a place, beside your stomach that that is part of your body but not part of you. There is a hollowed out cave nestled just above your left hip that you have become expert in forgetting. The forgotten cave in your side. The unrecognized cavity. You can feel it when you breathe but you do not let your breath touch it. You breathe into every part of your body except for this place. Breathe. In. Out. This place in your body that is not yours. Breathe. Whose place is it? What lives in this cave that is floating between your left rib and your left hip? Breathe. The creature in your cave is small and it glitters like starlight, or would if you could see it. Maybe someday someone will show it to you. Breathe. It’s wings flutter and its myriad legs curl underneath it. Sometimes the legs rustle, rapid clicks just above your left hip. Breathe.The creature that lives in the cave that floats in the space to the left of your stomach has long, long legs. The creature that lives in the cave that floats in the space to the left of your intestines keeps its dozens of skinny, spiny legs carefully furled. Most of the time. Concentrate on the space to the left of your stomach. Breathe into it. Listen for the sounds the creature makes. A joyous clattering of a hundred heel-clicks. A celebratory dance of life within life. I know. There are times… There have been times when the creature has unfurled its many legs. Breathe. When the legs have reached beyond its cave. Grabbed parts which do not belong to it. Gently bit and squeezed parts of you. Sometimes not gently. What is the creature doing now? The creature’s many legs have a purpose. The creatures many long legs sometimes stretch and snatch. In search of - what? Breathe, in, and out, and with each breath, push the air a little closer to the area below your left ribs. Take your time. This may be difficult. This is supposed to be difficult. Relaxation is difficult. Is it not? It is. You are apprehensive. This is natural. Steel yourself. Breathe. Tears will fall. This is natural. This is expected during intense breathing. Crying is your body cooling itself. Sobbing is the body’s sputtering engine combusting the last of its fuel. These are a sign of relaxation. Inside the cave inside your body is the creature’s collection. The creature’s collection is everything you have ever lost. The creature’s collection is everyone you have ever lost. What does it snatch with its many legs and jaws? Photos and charms and cigarette butts. Floral scents and faces and feelings. It can’t get them all. But it will fight to. Remember. Remember people you knew, years ago. Remember someone who is smaller than you, for example, but not by much. Say, just as an example, her hair is brown and her eyes are blue. Just to help with the picture, you see, I am not describing a real person, we are just imagining one. As an exercise. Let’s say she had - still has - a quite soothing voice. Her voice is, of course, changed with age, but still familiar. Let’s just say. This is an exercise in remembering. This is a person you saw often, years ago. Not every day, but many days and for a long time. Remember yourself talking to this smaller, blue-eyed person, all the time. You are telling her your secrets and she is telling you hers. She is telling you of her brother, for example, who has just turned ten and is therefore, no longer her brother, and how she misses him. She is telling you, for example, how now that he is gone, you are all that matters. Secretly she is telling you this. You are telling her of your sister, for example, who will turn ten soon, and how afraid you are. No one is allowed to be afraid, you are whispering to the blue-eyed girl. You are telling her, for example, that you are so happy she will be there to help. You are holding hands with this girl. You are looking into her eyes, which are so different than yours. You are looking at her face which is so different than yours, and you are seeing yourself iterated twice - in two blue pools. This girl knows you. This girl sees you, properly, completely. Maybe she still sees you today. Right now. You are breathing together. She is breathing out, into you. And into herself that which you are breathing out. You are telling her you will never forget her. You are not imagining how you could ever forget her. She is not imagining how you could ever forget her. Did you forget her? What have you done with your life? The blue eyed girl was moved to a school, to learn the history of paintings. To study the structure of beauty. Color on color. Stroke upon stroke. The ins and outs and ups and downs of life reiterated countless times on canvas and stone and wood and walls. Later the blue-eyed woman was moved to an institute to study people, like paintings. Keep breathing. Keep breathing into your memories. Keep breathing into your tears. Let them pool into the cracks of you, let them fill your lungs. Fill your lungs until they are two lakes. Glossy wet ripples of your memories and your sadness. The spindly legs beneath your ribs rustle, impatiently. Is there someone there, that you had forgotten? Is there someone there who’s voice you used to know? Is there someone’s voice floating now in your lungs, a voice you used to trust? Whose voice do you trust now? Breathe into the lakes that are your lungs. Let them bubble and froth with recirculated air. of tone I saw you, years after we were both ten, years after we were both forgotten. And forgetting. I looked into your eyes in a small cafe, and I saw you and you looked into my eyes and you did not see me. You recognised others after all that time, you recognised those you were not supposed to recognise. You recognized your own sister, but you did not recognise me. How is this possible? Why is this possible? returns to normal delivery Breathe. In. breathes And Out. breathes My lungs are two lakes. Why not me? I do not remember anything before I was ten. Except… I remember you. You remember many people from before you were ten. Except… You do not remember me. My lungs are two lakes: of memories, and of sadness. Legs shuffling inside me, near my hip. I do not like to see you here, in The Institute, where it is white and sterile, and where you are kept in one place, where you are watched by cameras wherever you are. You would be watched by cameras anyway, everyone always is, but you would not mind them, or even know they were there. I do not like to see you here, but I do like to see you. To see you whenever I want, as I used to, as we used to, before we were ten. Breathing together with our lungs and with our eyes. And some tears. In. Out. In. Out. Open your eyes. You have completed this relaxation exercise. Before continuing to side B, just take a moment. We all just need a moment, it’s fine, we’re fine, urgh, sorry, I’ll be fine. END OF SIDE A # # # Cassette four, Side B - Breaths of Freedom This visualisation exercise is about survival. Survival is something we take for granted, most of the time. We breathe in, we breathe out, and we have survived, once again. Let’s do some surviving now. Let’s try to live through these next few moments. Breathe in. (You should be quite accomplished in this area.) And breathe out. Survive. Here, where you are now, survival is easy. Survival is done for you. There is air in the institute, for you to breathe. Food is supplied to you both in the cafeteria and through the designated food slot of your assigned room. Clean, filtered water, is constantly available. We are going to visualise a situation in which your survival is your own responsibility. Sit upright on your chair. Close your eyes. Breathe in, and out, for survival. You are in a forest. You are alone. You are walking. You have been walking for hours, and you are tired. Listen. Remember. Comprehend. And for now, merely visualize. And now you climb. Your exhausted legs groan at the incline. Feel the strain in your muscles, the burn in your lungs, and the pounding of your heart. Feel the scratching of bracken at your legs, and the sharp pain of rocks under your feet. Breathe in and out - feel how fast your breaths are now, faster than usual, and shallow. Stop, for a moment, and concentrate on your breaths. pause Breathe into your lungs and then into your belly. Slowly. In. Out. Keep climbing. Climb because you know that at the end of the climb there is rest. At the end of the climb there is shelter. At the end of the climb there is a cave. Remember. The cave is high, and it is hidden, and it is difficult to get to. Falling water thunders past you and sprays you as you climb. The slope is slippery and your clothes are wet. It is difficult, but freedom always is. Keep climbing because you think that once you reach the cave, you will have rest. You will have comfort. This is not true, but it is important to think that, as you climb. It is important to keep yourself climbing, and delusions can help you. Keep climbing until you reach the cave, and pull yourself into it. Curl up onto the floor, limbs furled beneath you, and feel, for a moment, relief. Let your breathing calm you. As your heart rate slows, and as your muscles rest, and as your lungs cool, feel the hardness of the stone under you. Feel a constant spray of water. Feel the pang in your empty stomach. Feel the pain in your parched throat. You are hungry. You are thirsty. You are tired. You are wet through. These are problems you can fix. This is how you survive. This is how we all survive, when we do not have The Institute to fulfil our needs. Imagine how you will fix these problems. Imagine how you will prepare for these problems. Let’s start with hunger. In each of your regularly scheduled Institute meals you will find one portion of freshly cooked processed vegetable protein. This must be consumed immediately. Do not conserve this food. You will also find one portion of semi-dried fruit - an apple or a banana, or on special occasions a peach. These can be saved for several days. The last item you will find in your regularly scheduled Institute meal is a cookie, cracker, or bar, in a vacuum sealed packet. These can be kept for several weeks. You will remember that the camera in your room cannot see the area under your chair, or on top of your shelf. You will note that the walk to the cave will take at least six hours. And that is just the beginning. Prepare. As for your thirst - there is a river, yes, there is a waterfall, sure, but is the water clean? It is not. The water will need to be cleaned, it will need to be boiled, before it can be drunk. For this you will need: a pot (How will you get one? How will you get to the kitchen to find one? Inpatients are not permitted in the kitchen, but you will need a pot.) You will need to relax. You are stressing yourself out thinking about where to find a pot. Breathe. Remember to breathe. You will need to find wood for burning. Dry twigs and branches that have already fallen from trees. Brown leaves and bits of bracken. You will need matches. Where will you get matches? We will get to this. Breathe. You will be tired when you make it to the cave. You will need to rest, but the ground will be hard and rest will be painful. In the forest, on the way to the cave, there is heather. Soft and low and purple. It may be hard to find, it may be hard to gather enough - but find it, and gather it. Gather yourself a soft, low, purple bed, gather yourself some soft, low, purple rest. You will need it. You will need to sleep softly and safely, and for once, unwashed, in your hidden cave behind a waterfall. The clothes you are wearing - the thin, indoor, impractical, Institute issued clothes, were always going to be unsuited for a journey through woods, to a cave. They were always going to be all you had. The clothes you arrive with - the jeans, the sensible canvas shoes, the jacket - are in lockbox 4C-182, which can only be unlocked with the thumbprints of two senior members of the security team. By the time you have reached the cave, your unsuitable clothes will be soaked through. You will need other clothes. You cannot get other clothes. This part, I will take care of. I will take care of you. I will always take care of you. Think through your four needs, in the cave. Remember: Hunger - conserved food, hidden until needed. Thirst - boiled water, from the river. Rest - a bed of heather, gathered as you walk. Clothes - you do not need to worry about clothes. I will worry about clothes. We have visualized a hypothetical situation of survival in the woods. We have visualized this situation, which is not reality, and we have learned much about how to survive it, but we have not yet learned everything. We are not yet ready to test what we have learned. Do not try to recreate imaginary, hypothetical situations in the real world. Later, on your own time, after you have completed this 10-cassette course toward relaxation and total-self, you are free to do what you will with your time. Within certain bounds of course. Have you listened? Remembered? Comprehended? Do you trust me? Now that you know? Do you remember? Please, tell me you remember. While sitting upright in your chair in your assigned room, authorized headphones about your ears, give a nod if yes. Yes, that you remember who I am. I will watch the monitor for your response. My lungs are two lakes. My lungs are two lakes. Please. Visualisation exercise complete. After completing cassette four, please make your way to the library, seek out the philosophical text We Have Always Lived IN the Castle, by Shirley Jackson, open it to page 167 and circle the word “temerity.” Cassette five will be issued to you following a series of auditory tests to be carried out by the analytics team. END SIDE B Category:Transcripts